Playlist 2/3/18: Other People Suck, So Make Them Go Away

I have no idea why anybody runs in a gym without wearing headphones.

I suppose there are a few exceptions. Maybe you went with a friend and you’d like to banter with them throughout your sweat sesh, like you’re in a pharmaceutical commercial or something. Maybe there’s an incoming natural disaster and you want to keep your ears open to the sound of someone screaming, “Beware! An incoming natural disaster!” in case visual cues wouldn’t be enough for you in that scenario

Apart from that, a standard gym or fitness center is a miserable Pine Sol-scented dungeon, and if the goal is to experience it as painlessly as possible, headphones are the only way to go, particularly if you’re running. There’s a reason there are rows of TVs planted right in front of the cardio machines, and it’s not because there’s a substantial overlap between “people who use the elliptical” and “people who like experiencing Fareed Zakaria’s face but not his voice.” It’s because running on a treadmill sucks, and television distracts you from how much it sucks.

But because the headphone jacks on the treadmills at my gym (the exclusive PLANET FITNESS OF CHERRY HILL – we’re still accepting sponsors, guys) that allegedly connect to the TV audio produces a sound that could be generously described as “unlistenable,” I’m typically left with two options: music or podcasts. Some days are podcast days. Today was a music day.

A lot of times, I’ll just pick one artist and roll with them for the entirety of my run, but today, I threw together a quick ‘list. (that’s what I call “playlists”) I only had 3 miles to do today – which I pushed to the full 3.1-mile 5K because I’M A F***ING SOLDIER – so to account for stretching, cool-down, and a nine-minute mile pace (SOOOOOLLLLLLLDIERRRRR), I picked out eight songs lasting a total of 32 minutes. So for your reading/listening pleasure, here’s some stuff I like.

1.      “Fast Lane” by Bad Meets Evil

Oh yeah, nothing says “swagger” like a white guy strutting up to Planet Fitness in Cherry Hill pumping this song in his headphones, which sounds relatively hard but still prominently features Eminem, um, fawning over a very specific female celebrity for about 5 bars. (Also, I think Royce would have an issue with me calling it “swagger,” but hey, it’s my blog and not his)

2.      “Under a Killing Moon” by Thrice

It’s not as essential to have music/radio to run to when outside as it is indoors, since you can experience the lush sounds of wildlife. Or more likely, cars. But maybe wildlife too. NATURE, Goulet. However, if you are going to listen to music while you run outside, your selections are probably going to be different. For example, since you’re being stimulated by the world around you, you can pick more relaxing songs that compliment the serenity of the outdoors, or some hippie shit like that.
When you’re running inside, though, you’re most likely trying to beat the experience of being inside out of you, so you’ll probably listen to more songs like this. Now, not EVERY song can be two-and-a-half minutes of catharsis, or you’ll wear out your psyche. Seriously. So when you do make room in your playlist for a sudden burst of energy, make it count. This one absolutely makes it count.

3.      “Take My Country Back” by Enter Shikari

I’ll level with you for a second: Enter Shikari is one of my favorite bands, and their newest album “The Spark” is my least favorite of theirs. It’s not that it’s even a terrible album, it’s just not an Enter Shikari album. If Metallica’s “Black Album” were the debut album from some completely new band, it wouldn’t be nearly as infamous in the heavy metal community. But because it was Metallica, and because fans were going into it expecting at most a single standard deviation away from a normal Metallica album, it became…well, it became “THE BLACK ALBUM.” This happens with a lot of bands who try something completely out of left field for them, and it explains why I feel the way I do about “The Spark.” But, we’re going to see Enter Shikari live tonight in Philly, and I felt it only appropriate to plug in a song from “The Spark,” so I chose one that could’ve been on one of their first few albums – plenty of punk heart with layers of twinkly, atmospheric electronics on top.

4.      “Hot Soft Light” by The Hold Steady

As previously stated, the main reason to listen to music while running on a treadmill is to get you pumped up and to distract you from being on a treadmill. At a macro level, though, listening to music, an audiobook, or a podcast really distracts you from how tired you are. You don’t hear yourself huffing and puffing when you’re listening to BUMPING BEATS or SWEET SHREDDING or THE DULCET NASALLY TONES OF IRA GLASS.

It's America's favorite game: "NPR Host or Lead Singer of the Hold Steady?"

But if you’ve run with headphones in before, you may have noticed something strange: as you start to really work up a sweat, the music or show you’re listening to sounds…slower. It’s as if your body is forcing you to acknowledge the pain you’re inflicting upon it. And that drives me crazy. I HATE acknowledging reality. The point when I realize music is getting slower makes me realize that I’m getting tired, which sucks.

There are two ways of countering this when constructing a running playlist. The first is to pick a song with a warp-speed temp, which even when slowed down sounds good. The second is to pick a song that isn’t super-fast, but becomes more danceable when slowed down. For example, this song sounds like a Thin Lizzy song normally, but after 10-15 minutes of running, it really sounds like a Thin Lizzy song. So if Thin Lizzy is your thing, but you don’t have any Thin Lizzy on hand or you forgot to pick up some Thin Lizzy on your last trip to the store, this will act as an appropriate Thin Lizzy substitute.

5.      “Torn Between Scylla and Charybdis” by Trivium

I like to keep track of my run progress not just with ARCANE figures like “distance” and “time,” but how many songs I’ve gone through in comparison to the time I’ve spent running. That’s why the Long Song is a heavy hitter. You can’t just put 45 Against Me! songs together because you’ll be demoralized when you get through six of them and realize you’ve only been running for seven minutes. This song is just under seven minutes long and has a bunch of tempo and time changes, which keeps things fresh. Plus, I get to sound like a real heady music fan explaining that the song is about mythical Greek sea monsters when I’m really just like “GUITARZ.”

6.      “Drunken Lullabies” by Flogging Molly

Pictured (left to right): longtime Flogging Molly members Johnny Drunken Lullabies, 
DrunSiobhan O'Corkken Lullabies, and Colin "Here's Our Song 'Drunken Lullabies'" 
McMcMcO'Reilly.

Remember when I said you could fight the Slow Music Effect (I’ve got to think of a better name for this) by playing a really fast song? Yep, here ya go. Anecdote: Flogging Molly played at Firefly two years ago and fulfilled all my expectations for a Flogging Molly concert within eight minutes. The lead singer came on with a stout in hand and, before playing any songs, spent two minutes discussing the Euro Cup soccer tournament. The apparently 72-piece band opened with a song that sounded an awful lot like Drunken Lullabies, then went right into Drunken Lullabies, followed by a song about an Irish boxer that started off slower but quickly turned into a very Drunken Lullabies-esque song. We left at this point to see Of Monsters and Men, as Flogging Molly continued to Drunken Lullabies away in the distance.

7.      “(Don’t Wanna) Hurt You” by Jorito

Video game music is no longer a guilty pleasure of mine. It’s just a regular-ass pleasure now. OC Remix is my friend, and it can be your friend too. Usually, I listen to video game remixes at work because music with lyrics can distract me from my extremely important job. But some can really get me hyped up. Take this one, a mash-up of music from Mega Man X2, Mega Man X3, and Rick Astley (yep) that starts out like a hockey warm-up track but morphs into an anime theme song about halfway through. Tell me that isn’t sweet. (Don’t actually tell me. Your honesty scares me)

8.      “Dreams and Nightmares” by Meek Mill

Go Birds.